A Motivation Vacuum
Several months ago I learned something about what motivates me. The best way I can describe it is a 'superiority complex'. A deep expectation that I should have higher standards and more discipline than others because I was more gifted. It sounds arrogant but in reality it produced a sort of alienation from everyone. And it wasn't fun.
With this revelation in hand, I also started to recognize some of my other beliefs that were not helpful. It seems I can't ensure the success of our society by adherence to strict rules. I can't succeed by making sure everyone plays 'fair'. I need to participate in the 'game'. Modern politics is not an farce. Hard-ball business is inevitable. And I am going to get ripped off in some exchanges.
As an illustration, yesterday I was driving home and noticed I had left my indicator on for the past kilometre or more. I turned it off and thought 'not good'. Then I realized I had barely looked at my dashboard for the past 15 minutes and thought 'thats exactly how someone runs out of fuel'. Now in the past I would have berated myself quite seriously thinking I am not one of those 'morons' that run out of fuel. But at that moment I just shrugged my shoulders and thought I could run out of fuel and I would still be the same person. It would be a drag but I didn't feel threatened by the possibility.
On the flip side I realized I am not as motivated as I used to be. I love watching movies; Something I always felt guilty about in the past. It still bothers me a little that I don't apply myself adequately. I'm hoping that my 'Motivation Vacuum' will start to dissipate and alternative, smaller sources will start having an effect. In future I won't be as tormented although I doubt I will achieve quite as much. Not that it matters.
With this revelation in hand, I also started to recognize some of my other beliefs that were not helpful. It seems I can't ensure the success of our society by adherence to strict rules. I can't succeed by making sure everyone plays 'fair'. I need to participate in the 'game'. Modern politics is not an farce. Hard-ball business is inevitable. And I am going to get ripped off in some exchanges.
As an illustration, yesterday I was driving home and noticed I had left my indicator on for the past kilometre or more. I turned it off and thought 'not good'. Then I realized I had barely looked at my dashboard for the past 15 minutes and thought 'thats exactly how someone runs out of fuel'. Now in the past I would have berated myself quite seriously thinking I am not one of those 'morons' that run out of fuel. But at that moment I just shrugged my shoulders and thought I could run out of fuel and I would still be the same person. It would be a drag but I didn't feel threatened by the possibility.
On the flip side I realized I am not as motivated as I used to be. I love watching movies; Something I always felt guilty about in the past. It still bothers me a little that I don't apply myself adequately. I'm hoping that my 'Motivation Vacuum' will start to dissipate and alternative, smaller sources will start having an effect. In future I won't be as tormented although I doubt I will achieve quite as much. Not that it matters.
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